It’s just as well I’m married to a good-humoured sort of chap and that we’re all in the same close soul group. Because the moment I finished my Spirit guide’s portrait, there I was gazing into another man’s eyes, tears streaming down my face, filled with such deep love, a relief I cannot describe, and an almost pathological fear of losing him.
Fear of losing Dancing Bear was one of the things I had come here to the earth plane to heal. In past lives I lost him. A lot. Usually it ended up with me coming to a very sticky end of my own making. Those I’ve had to deal with too. Even in this life, I suddenly found I had to carry his portrait around with me from room to room, like Christopher Robin carrying his old teddy bear Winnie the Pooh up the stairs with him. Bump, bump, bump.
One of the first fears that arose, however, was of my not being good enough. My unconscious mind piled all our past lives together and suddenly here standing before me was the Navajo medicine man, the Sioux warrior, the African Shaman and any number of umpteen feisty and powerful personas in which I’d held him in untold respect, and suddenly I was terrified.
I confessed my feelings to Ho Hum. Ho Hum is my other Spirit guide and close soul mate, usually in his persona as my past-life brother and Lakota warrior, and with whom I'd also had a strong connection over many years.
“I’m remembering all these feelings for Dancing Bear,” I sobbed to Ho Hum one evening. “But I’m scared, daunted and intimidated by him.”
“Why are you afraid?” he asked.
"Because I’m so lacking in everything. There he is – this medicine man and Shaman, and here I am, so completely imperfect and inadequate. I mean, what have I done with my life? I make so many mistakes - I do all the silly things people do, only I do them better.”
“Your mistakes make you fallible,” Ho Hum replied. “And your fallibility is your strength.”
I was reflecting on this when I heard Dancing Bear’s voice. He told me a story.
"I once had been treating a child in the village,” Dancing Bear began. “A young boy. I told the parents to wait three days before I would perform the healing. Within those three days, the child died."
“I blamed myself. I felt that I had failed the village, I had failed the child, and I had failed as a human being. I didn’t feel worthy of being there. So I understand about feeling not worthy.
"I left the village for many months and didn’t come back,” he said. “I lost contact with my guides – with the Other World. I travelled around for a long time.
"But somewhere along the way, I realised that I was just being no one. Even an imperfect person is someone. I realised that I was just wasting time that Spirit had given me on this earth to be who I was meant to be.
“So I returned to the village and faced them all. I felt a great pain in my belly. And I carried on. I helped more people and I stuck with it. And I became a great healer. Not in spite of what had happened, but because of what had happened. My intuition increased. My courage increased.
"So you see, I was fallible. I made mistakes. My strength was in my weakness, like yours. And so, I say to you. Do not doubt yourself. You are who you are. And your mistakes are what teach you the most."
Dancing Bear, in his 20s
Many years after this, while out hunting, Dancing Bear came across the body of young child, left for dead. She was just breathing. He looked at her festering wound, limp body and cold wet brow. He knew she would die if he took her to the women to look after. So he carried her back home.
Using his skills of medicine, journeying, healing and prayer over many weeks, he tenderly and lovingly brought the dying 5 year old child to life. The memory of his younger days crossed his mind. In healing this little girl, he knew he was healing the boy he had once failed to save.
And so he became her father. She was a loving child, filled with gratitude, joy and humour. But her early experiences had left her with a great fear of being separated from him. And so he took her everywhere with him and taught her all he knew. It was a deep soul love they shared and, in time, she became his wife.
Many lifetimes later he is still walking beside her. After seeing his portrait, she remembered the love she felt for him, along with the terrible fear of losing him and the need to carry his portrait from room to room like Winnie the Pooh.
But using the same healing skills that he used in that lifetime, he has even healed that that part of her too.
We never know the results of the mistakes we make. We never know what joy they will bring. All we can know is that there is a reason for everything. And even when it's hard to find a reason, there is always great learning for the soul.
What are you afraid of? Do you know your Spirit guide? What if you did?